I’ve battled with a negative self-image my entire life. I’ve treated my body poorly by jumping on any diet that came my way. Juice cleanse, colon cleanse, fasting, Paleo, I’ve tried them all. There is this unattainable goal in my head that I need to reach that leaves me blind to the results I already have. Nothing is ever good enough. I want more! The problem with this is I am internally conflicted. I cannot love and serve the world if I secretly hate myself.
I’ve been a slave to the scale since I was 14 years old. Whatever number showed up molded the way I ate, felt, and responded for the entire day. If the numbers were higher than I believed they should be, I would have a complete meltdown. I never felt like I was enough. If I could be thinner, I would then love myself. Thin is the only path to true love, or so I thought.
I remember vividly the moment in my life when something was triggered inside me to feel less than. I was 14 years old. That summer I was on a full-fledged eating disorder roller coaster that would last through the rest of my teens and into my 30’s. Yes, I said my 30’s. That is 20+ years of feeling like food controlled my life. Although the level of the disorder would fluctuate, it was always there. It haunted every bite I took and crippled me when I looked in the mirror.
The ugly gremlin is still here, whispering words of destruction every day, but I’ve slowly started a mindset shift. I decided I would no longer have this way of life control me, in fact, I recently stopped weighing myself all together. I’ve begun eating on a regular basis, before I would do without, eating less than 1000 calories a day. If I ate more than that, I would spiral and feel out of control. I was so unhealthy and yet I tricked myself into believing everything was okay. My crazy desire to be thin was clouding my better judgment.
The incredible thing is I feel so much better, clearer, happier now. I eat six times a day, I workout because I love it not because I’m afraid of getting fat. Doing anything out of fear is a scary box to be in. Yes I push myself, and yes I still struggle with body image, but I believe I’m on my way to a better me.
I share all of this because it is easy to draw an unattainable line in the sand. Put goals and expectations just out of reach, so you always feel like you’re chasing. I’m learning how to love food. I want to be free of the dark cloud that has loomed over my head for so long. There are many things I practice to shift my mindset, and I see the results, and I’m thrilled. Some of my tricks are:
I bless my food. I look at my plate with love and appreciation instead of worrying about the calories.
I meditate regularly. Every day I meditate and give myself the time to feel connected to my inner strength.
I take a long hard look in the mirror. I look at myself with admiration. I stopped criticizing every flaw. If I feel the negative talk starting, I will walk away and refuse to look at another mirror until I feel better. I literally tell myself, you are beautiful, I love you.
I monitor my energy while on social media. If I’m on Instagram for example and I feel my vibration lowering because I’m looking at other women and judging myself, I’ll step away. If I’m not in high spirits, I will not scroll at all.
These are a few of the things that have worked for me. Some days are easier than others, but I believe Strong is Beautiful! I want to be the best me, and I must love myself first.
