I’m a believer in the effects of positive and negative energy. The energy that you give out can and will change the world around you. Be careful what you think about because what you think is what you will speak. What you tell yourself you are is what you’ll become and what you think about others will be who they are to you.

It takes a ton of practice to stay in a positive state of mind. I do it all, yoga, meditation, exercise, practicing self-growth through reading positive books, daily affirmations and getting out in nature. I know all the “things” but to actually stay in line with this process is another story.

To be completely honest, for a while now I have failed at this miserably. I’ve allowed my thoughts and worries to become my reality, and it has been a detriment in my life. It is embarrassing to admit this but it is real and raw, and it is my truth.

I read recently that narrating your life through the voice in your head makes you feel like you have control. I sometimes believe I’m spinning in this universe with no direction and by keeping a constant story going in my head, I think I can grip the steering wheel and steer this ship in the direction I want. The problem though is the story I am narrating is not always my actual reality.

This year I have really tried to go in and do a lot of inner work. I strive to be the best me I can be. I realized that I have some things that needed to be dealt with and a shift was required to take place for me to get to the level I wanted to be. The key to pulling out old skeletons is the process of cleansing yourself from the pain and not attaching a bungee cord to the skeleton that you’re pulling out. Looking at past mistakes and old hurt feelings can make the old tragedies fresh and present. I would walk away and think I had cleared it up only to trip and fall on a trigger that hasn’t been resolved and be yanked right back to that negative place in the past.

I have become anxious, and my need for perfection in my self-stretched out over my marriage, family and my business. I in no way could live up to my expectations and neither could anyone else. Perfectionism led me to feel super insecure, and my self-doubt had become so massive it was paralyzing me. I was drowning and didn’t even know I was in the water.

It took some pretty stern guidance and real honesty to snap me back and clear the fog. I’m not perfect; I fall a lot. But I’m thankful that I can walk away from this with strength, grace and love not only for this part of my journey but I feel grace and love for myself. I appreciate the potholes and know that once I fall hard the road on the other side feels so much easier to walk. For now at least.

My story breaks me wide open and sitting with this has been excruciating, but I heal through words. Writing my truth will hopefully cut this cord that has held me in this negative space for way too long.

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