Standing up for what I believe in without feeling completely submerged in the emotion that surrounds the topic of marriage is sometimes tricky for me.
I believe in marriage. I believe in monogamy and transparency. Pretty simple, you may be saying yeah Amy a lot of people believe in marriage. Yes, I agree, but I am in an entrepreneurial marriage, and the divorce rate for entrepreneurs hovers around 70%. Couples all around me are divorcing. I almost got a divorce a few years back because of lack of transparency, loss of trust and not having the tools necessary to guard ourselves against the wolves. I can find myself in a constant state of worry and what-if if I'm not careful. My saving grace is this; I am only in control of me. Not my husband, his feelings or the people around us. I have the power to decide what I will and will not do, say and how I will react. This can be a superpower when you realize life happens through you, not to you.
When someone I know gets a divorce or separated it truly breaks my heart; it feels so personal. I know it's none of my business and their relationship is not my relationship, but it hurts none the less. I recently discovered that when I hear of these stories it makes me aware of how seemingly effortless it is, how socially accepted and almost expected divorce is today. It's like being faced with your mortality, but the death I fear is the death of my marriage.
I know what it's like to spiral, to get to a place and not remember how you got there. I know what it's like to not be connected and feel alone. I remember feeling like I was drowning and not knowing I had even got in the water. I still cringe and feel the loss when I think of the time when we were separated. I also believe that remembering is a good thing. It keeps us humble and present. It makes us grateful.
I have dedicated my time, energy and focus on dissecting my past mistakes, my relationship, and the entrepreneurial marriage. I believe it doesn't have to be 70%. I want to be vulnerable and share my wrecks on this journey so you can avoid the same mishaps on yours. Although the bumps are necessary veering off course isn't.
I wrote the below message a few weeks back but never posted it because, to be honest, I was afraid. I want everyone to like me; I do not want anyone to take issue or be triggered by anything I write. But that's not real or authentic. So, here we go.
I watched a video this morning about the mind games people play when single and dating. It was hilarious, but it got me to thinking that sometimes some of those mind games carry over into marriage. Are we ever really free of the nonsense? I believe we can be. We just have to get over ourselves.
Any of these sound familiar?
~ Don't act too in love because then they have control. Definitely, do not let your friends know how much you love your spouse. You want to make sure you remain cool and indifferent at all times.
~ Don't say what you mean; the best way is to be passive aggressive and let them fill in the blanks to what you're feeling. They should know you.
~ Keep score on who does what because you know you ALWAYS do more. Be sure to throw it in their face later, so they know you win.
~ Make sure to keep your game sharp because you never know.
~ There is nothing wrong with chatting it up on social media; it's no big deal. It's virtual, so basically, they aren't even real.
~ If I go out with my friends it's harmless to be a little single; it's not like I'm taking anyone home. Plus he/she is making me unhappy, so it's their fault if I stray. They should do better, be nicer, blah blah blah.....
And we wonder why the divorce rate is so freaking high. Justifying situations because it makes your actions easier to swallow will eventually choke you.
If you are continually thinking about all the negative parts of your marriage and spouse, you will feel negatively towards them. Flip the script, think about all the good, even if you have to strain your brain to remember the good, do the work. It will pay off.
Commitment is not about coming home every night. Commitment is about emotional loyalty, being present, thinking of someone else, and not being a jerk. If your best friend treated you the way you are treating your spouse would you still consider them to be your best friend?
I read this morning that we can clog the flow of energy in our hearts by holding onto the negative. Past hurt, anger, and frustration does nothing but blocks the flow of love. Release it every time those icky feelings pop up. Letting go is a necessary act of self-preservation.
Some of this might sound harsh and a little on the ugly side of how I usually write, but it's not okay for it to be so freaking easy to walk away.