Why my life shifted once, I took complete responsibility for where I’m at and who I am on this entrepreneurial journey.
When Matt and I lost our way a few years back, I became a hardened soul. If I’m honest, it was a process that was years in the making. I didn’t have the proper tools to equip me in this entrepreneurial journey. I didn’t realize I needed more than a wish and desire for everything to work. I didn’t have the entrepreneurial support system either to assist when we would fall short on our mission, to insert encouragement when needed and live by example and be a light when times felt so dark. I withdrew from my spiritual and emotional light. This powerful internal emotion was my prime source of self-sabotage.
I’ve been taught that withdrawal is just like an addiction, withdrawal in that it affects the senses the same way. It can cause an aching, craving, longing, needing, a love-fix. You can feel strung out, waiting for love to return, and life as you know it to be healthy and happy again. The problem is that I stopped feeling anything. I wasn’t angry, upset, happy, or sad I was numb. As a self-preservation tool, I ceased to allow myself to be emotionally vulnerable. Easier put, I stopped caring.
The problem with this is I started to turn inward, and all the pushed down hurt, anxiety and anger got directed at myself. I felt rejected and I chose to beat myself up! This feeling of rejection created more of the negative loop I created and severe depression. The inward struggle left me feeling like I wasn’t enough. It was critical that I stop walking on this path and redirect my steps. My internal dialog was becoming a self-inflicted injury. I had doubts of worthiness and my ability to hold on to Matt’s love or anyone else. Old feelings kept this loop alive.
On the other side of our brief separation came clarity. God intervened in our lives and pulled everything back together. God is so good at quieting our chaos. There was a lot of forgiveness needed not only towards each other but ourselves. I began my spiritual journey back to my divine mission, and the opportunity to share my life with other women that were experiencing the same things starting blooming. When I look back on my climb, it seems I was right where I needed to be even in the storm.
I believe that it doesn’t have to be as tough as I made it for myself. I think we create our marital and entrepreneurial chaos. Look up the divorce rate of entrepreneurs? It’s insane!
I share my life, my lessons learned, and my insights because I want to be a lighthouse. I believe that hope is one of the components needed to create a happy life. Without hope that someone gets you, that you are not alone, and things will get better it’s easy to lose yourself in self-pity and self-doubt.
Do any of these sounds and feel familiar?
~ A wounded ego from feeling not important enough because of the pull from the business.
~ Feeling like a single Mom because the hubby is always busy, BUT this is what has to happen right now; it’s a temporary sacrifice.
~ Venting your frustrations to friends and family about the business and your husband because you need someone to validate your emotions and inner dialog.
~ The sense of being left out because of business travel or feeling jealous of the unknown relationships with business associates.
The above bullets were my life’s story. The cracks in the foundation start out small and seem harmless and reasonable on this entrepreneurial journey. Do not fool yourself into thinking that the small shifts in your heart mean nothing.
These can be the first signs of a cavity. Cavities rot from the inside out. Awareness is key, and just like your yearly dental exams, internal emotional exams are necessary. As yourself, how do I feel about this? Is this important to me? Not being connected to your inner light will cause major chaos down the road. Small unspoken hurts can be a detriment to not only your marriage but to yourself. Finding your footing in the journey beside your spouse helps create momentum. It took me years to understand this concept.
Here is the mindset shift. You are in control. You choose to feel, react, and hold on to what is going on around you. It was not until I realized my part in the chaos and took complete responsibility for me that real freedom started to take root. The reality is, it’s NO ONE ELSE’S RESPONSIBILITY but yours to make you feel secure. The minute you look to your partner or even a friend for happiness and security and they don’t meet your needs you give away your power to control yourself. It’s an easy way to spiral. I had to exercise radical forgiveness, full responsibility, and most of all I had to find my voice.
It is easy to lose yourself when you are the sounding board for a growing business. Stand up, dig your feet in the shifting sand, find your empowered tribe, own your emotional state, and adopt the “one shared vision” concept with your spouse. If you need help, ask.
“Once you become consciously aware of just how powerful your thoughts are, you realize everything in your life is exactly how you allow it to be.” ~ Melanie Koulourisr
