This morning while I was in the locker room at the gym I overheard a conversation that made me feel sad and at the same time it made me feel thankful.
There were two ladies discussing retirement, and during the conversation, one of them mentioned that she recently had to spend a week with her husband at a hotel and she doesn’t know how she is going survive retirement with him. She was dreading having to be around him all the time. To which the other lady ultimately agreed and added her version of a story where her husband had to be around her for an extended period, and went on about how awful it was. Of course, they followed every not so sweet comment about their hubbies with a, “I love him to death, BUT….”
They spoke about how they work all day and even when they’re home the busyness of dinner, cleaning, kids, etc. take their time and then it’s bedtime so the only real time they spend with their husbands is on the weekends and holidays.
I was like, what? Do I hear this correctly? These lovely ladies are dreading spending time with their spouses?
It saddened me to hear this.
I’m not naive to the fact that this is how 90% of married couples feel. It’s not the first time I’ve heard this conversation not only from wives, but I’ve also heard similar talk from husbands.
As Matt and I drove home from the gym and I told him about what I heard. We are starting dissecting the whys. Why do married couples feel this way? How do they get to this place? It also made me look at myself. Matt and I have had our share of marital strife, and this was a reminder of how empty the love tank can get without the proper care. The person that these ladies had a distaste for is the same person; they once stood in front of and promised their forever. I’ve been there.
I believe that it comes from a lack of being present, not only in the marriage but to one’s self. I have been with Matt for 15 years. I’m not the person I was 15 years ago. I have changed and evolved as a woman. My likes, dislikes, and beliefs have changed significantly. So has Matt’s. We had to be present and appreciate where the other person was in their life. Did we nail this every time during the years? No, not at all, but the effort was made and continues to be done.
That leads me to my next belief. I believe the effort made toward each other can die if we let it. The big one to me is we stop making an effort to be a good friend. We treat our friends with love, right? We give them the benefit of the doubt, we laugh easy at their jokes, and we greet them with smiles and affection. Why would we not do this for our husbands? Aren’t they our bestest friends?
Marriage does not have to be a chore. We do not have to fall into the social norm called a ball and chain. You can have a happy, love filled relationship. Guys, it’s sexy to be a devoted husband. Matt says the best way to be good to your children is to be good to their Mother.
With that said, is it easy? No. Do you have to be selfless? Yes.
I have made many mistakes as a wife. I have tripped, fallen, and landed hard. When it comes to doing the right thing I have been less than perfect. We have hurt each other and been hurt by each other. But forgiveness and grace were given. Thank God for that!
Finally, I felt thankful. I’m grateful that I get to spend every day with my husband. I’m thankful we are both on a self-growth journey, and we seek to be better in all areas of our lives. I believe that God gives me moments like this as a reminder.
As I mentioned, I know how empty marriage can be when you stop taking care of it. I also know when you are not happy with yourself, and not living with joy; it’s easy to let the seed of cynicism and angst take root. If you find someone to vent to that waters that seed, it can be a dangerous combination. Please be careful who you allow being your sounding board.
What I’m reminded of the most this morning is responsibility. It is ours to be happy. It is not our spouse’s job to “make” us happy, to give us joy. Yes, you can feel these things from them, but it is fleeting. Happiness is an inside job. If we do not have this, then it is our responsibility to seek it, pray for it, and work for it. The burden does not fall on our partner.
